


i hope you can smile with me

by daephylleia



Category: EXO (Band), K-pop
Genre: Fluff, Introspection, M/M, Pining, basically jongdae being in love with baek what else is new, lapslock, set in the canon universe but i follow timelines loosely
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-07
Updated: 2019-04-07
Packaged: 2020-01-06 02:43:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18379301
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daephylleia/pseuds/daephylleia
Summary: jongdae supposes it was inevitable. to fall in love with byun baekhyun.





	i hope you can smile with me

jongdae supposes it was inevitable. to fall in love with baekhyun. for his heart to choose him of all people.  _ as if it was really a choice.  _

 

why baekhyun? why when there was baekhyun and chanyeol. and baekhyun and yixing. and baekhyun and minseok.

 

there’s also jongdae and chanyeol. and jongdae and junmyeon. and jongdae and minseok. sometimes jongdae thinks it would be easier to have fallen for minseok. they go together well. maybe in another lifetime his heart will choose minseok. but in this lifetime it’s chosen byun baekhyun. 

 

jongdae thinks about the looks baekhyun gives him. sometimes he thinks they’re especially reserved for him. is he a fool to think that? maybe. he doesn’t know. maybe baekhyun has a special look for everyone. maybe he isn’t that special. maybe. 

 

he thinks sometimes baekhyun knows. maybe he knows about his bleeding heart. about how anyone can see the love clearly written on his face. about how he’s embarrassingly head over heels with him. about how his heart breaks, cracks, shatters for byun baekhyun. he can’t be so oblivious can he?

 

sometimes he thinks about things. about how he doesn’t really like men. but he doesn’t really like women. he just likes baekhyun. he always has. he’s liked baekhyun for so long he doesn’t know what it feels like to not like baekhyun. he doesn’t know if that’s odd. to only like one person. he doesn’t want to kiss anyone else. only baekhyun. he doesn’t see anyone else in his future. only baekhyun. he thinks about that a lot. he wonders what baekhyun likes. 

 

contrary to popular belief, baekhyun is not clingy. no. jongdae has always been the clingy one. always. sometimes baekhyun feels like hugging and touching and giving chaste, fleeting kisses to the group. but it’s rare. he’d much rather be clung to. jongdae knows this. he knows that sometimes when baekhyun gets so unbelievably stressed out and tense, that he just wants to be held. so jongdae tries to be there for him. but sometimes someone else has gotten there first. those are the nights where he goes to sleep clinging to a pillow. he doesn’t cry because he’s not like that. but those are the nights he can never seem to get sleep. when baekhyun is upset, he’s upset. when baekhyun is happy, he’s happy.

 

they’re sitting on the couch with no schedules, jongdae’s solo debut is coming up in a few months, but he’s not thinking about that right now. he’s resting his head on baekhyun’s shoulder while baekhyun runs his hand through jongdae’s hair. it’s a common sight, so when junmyeon and kyungsoo walk in after grabbing food, they flick the pair’s heads before leaving to their own rooms. baekhyun and jongdae simultaneously rub their heads and let out little breathy laughs.

 

the tv is on and they’re supposed to be watching some show but jongdae’s focus has been on the way baekhyun’s eyes and nose scrunch when he laughs. from this angle he can see the few freckles on baekhyun’s face and the way his eyelashes stick out. he thinks he could count them if he wanted. 

 

“baek,” jongdae interrupts the silent laughter from his friend. baekhyun turns away from the tv just slightly and he nudges his head against jongdae, signaling for him that he’s listening. 

 

“would you say you’re a person who notices things?” jongdae questions. he’s not sure where he’s going with this. maybe his brain has decided to do something stupid. 

 

he can feel baekhyun’s face scrunch in confusion. he bumps jongdae’s head again. “in what way?”

 

“i don’t know. do you notice little things? like how people look at other people?” 

 

baekhyun is silent for a moment and jongdae can feel his body tense in the slightest. he hasn’t pushed jongdae off yet. “i guess not. i don’t really pay attention to those things. why?”

 

jongdae shakes his head. “nothing, i was just thinking about it. never mind.” 

 

he seems content with this answer and continues to watch the show, though his body remains tense. he hasn’t removed his head from atop jongdae’s but jongdae can tell there’s an uneasiness that wasn’t there before. he’s messed up. 

 

“my stomach isn’t feeling that great. i think i’m gonna go lay down,” jongdae announces, hoping maybe baekhyun will stop him. maybe. 

 

baekhyun lifts his head up, just enough to let jongdae get up. he stares at jongdae but seems to look right through him as he says “feel better.” jongdae gives him a weak smile before turning around and heading into his room. 

 

when he closes the door he stands there for a moment and wishes his brain would just shut up sometimes. he wishes he wouldn’t be quite so in love with baekhyun. he wishes it could be easy. 

 

-

 

jongdae has just finished filming for a variety show that he’ll appear on once he’s made his solo debut. 

 

the dorm isn’t too quiet when he steps in. sehun and kyungsoo sit on the couch watching a drama and chanyeol can be heard snoring from his own room. jongdae isn’t sure where the others are but he’s tired and he wants to cuddle. specifically, there is one person he wants to cuddle with. 

 

baekhyun is dressed in his room, putting on shoes and making himself look decent. jongdae arches a brow as he knocks on the doorframe. his friend startles just slightly but sighs in relief when he sees it’s just jongdae. 

 

“didn’t hear you come in,” baekhyun says by way of greeting. he finishes tying his shoes and stands to fix his clothes. 

 

jongdae is still giving him an odd look. did baekhyun have plans? they always told each other if they had plans. 

 

“oh, yeah, the clothes… i’m going on a date. or at least i think it’s a date. i want it to be a date,” baekhyun explains and motions towards his body. as if jongdae wasn’t already looking there. 

 

his voice sounds far off and possibly underwater but jongdae puts on his best friend smile and gives baekhyun a hug. “wear my leather jacket, it’ll look good with that,” jongdae suggests and baekhyun gives him a wide grin as they part from their hug. 

 

“thanks dae. you’re always looking out for me,” baekhyun says and gives jongdae’s hand a squeeze before slipping out of the room and into jongdae’s to grab the jacket. he stops back by the room, “wish me luck” he smiles. then he’s gone. 

 

“luck,” jongdae says lamely to the empty space where baekhyun was. he’s gonna go wake chanyeol up. they’ll cuddle. chanyeol always lets him cuddle. 

 

jongdae pads into chanyeol’s room and forces him awake by shaking his shoulder. “do you wanna grab something to eat and cuddle?” 

 

the taller man grins up at him with that dopey half asleep smile he almost always wears. “do you even have to ask?”

 

a few minutes later their faces are hidden from view as they walk down the street to a corner store. it’s relatively late, so hopefully no one will spot them but it never hurts to be careful. 

 

they get some cheap ramen and spicy cuttlefish crackers because chanyeol begs jongdae using his puppy eyes and soft voice that he knows will make jongdae give him anything. 

 

“an embarrassment is what you are, you big baby,” jongdae chides and has to reach up to tug chanyeol’s cap down and cover his eyes. 

 

the pair laugh together as chanyeol bumps into the aisle and a bag of chips falls down. they’re still laughing as they walk to the counter to pay and chanyeol still hasn’t lifted the cap back up. 

 

jongdae thinks about how easy this is. how much fun he has with chanyeol. he thinks this, maybe loving chanyeol would be easy. but is it easy that he wants? he’s not sure. 

 

they walk back to the dorms giggling the whole way at nothing in particular. just enjoying each other’s company. 

 

when they step into the dorm sehun and kyungsoo have left the living room. he’s not sure where everyone is again. when they don’t have schedules like this it’s rare to see anyone. 

 

chanyeol talks about some new songs he’s working on and the ones they worked on together. it’s all very easy. the way their conversation flows. the way chanyeol can come up behind him and engulf him in a hug, resting his chin on jongdae’s head. 

 

“your chin is too pointy. get off,” jongdae smacks the arms wrapped around his torso. this only causes chanyeol to dig his chin harder into jongdae’s head. he slaps chanyeol’s arms again and bumps his head up just in the slightest which causes chanyeol to yelp and pull off of him with a giant frown. 

 

“you made me bite my tongue,” he says with his usual puppy face. jongdae turns around and brings his hands to cup chanyeol’s cheeks and squishes them together, “i told you to stop. didn’t i?” chanyeol nods, face still in between jongdae’s palms. 

 

“you’re a big boy, you’ll be okay,” jongdae tells him and chanyeol sticks said hurt tongue out at him before jongdae pulls his hands away. 

 

the ramen finishes cooking and they share it while watching reruns of junmyeon’s drama, making fun of him every time he yells. sometimes they imitate him and one of the other members still in the dorm calls out for them to shut up. their natural response is to be louder. 

 

yeah, this is easier. jongdae curls into chanyeol’s side as they continue to watch the show into the early hours of the morning. he finds himself growing sleepier and sleepier, falling deeper and deeper into chanyeol’s lap. 

 

the pair are both asleep when baekhyun returns. he spots them on the couch, standing in the doorway for a moment. the tv light shines on them. jongdae’s head is fully in chanyeol’s lap and chanyeol’s head rests on jongdae’s side almost. like the both fell over on each other. baekhyun stares and stares. something strange catches in his throat. something he won’t acknowledge. he leaves the pair to sleep and heads to his room. he stares at his ceiling and thinks and thinks and thinks. 

 

-

 

they have a few performances and a little bit more of a schedule but still too much free time. yixing calls junmyeon and he puts it on speaker for them all to talk to him. jongdae misses yixing. everyone misses yixing. there’s always that odd feeling of something being off. they all know what it is but no one wants to acknowledge it. address it. think about it in any way. this way of continuing on, always waiting for the other shoe to drop. it hangs over their heads. 

 

so they talk to yixing, probably for too long. they can hear the exhaustion in his voice. jongdae thinks he works too much. he tells him this and upon hearing yixing’s soft laugh he smiles. “i’ll sleep when you do. i saw that announcement soloist,” yixing says and jongdae grins even though his friend can’t see it. “touche, i guess we both won’t be sleeping for a while,” jongdae replies. 

 

“make sure he sleeps! myeonie im being serious!” yixing yells through the phone. “i have to go now but i hope you do well jongdae, and i hope the rest of you will be well going forward. i’ll see you all sooner than you think,” he finishes. the rest of them say their goodbyes and junmyeon brings the phone in his room with him to end the call, probably needing to talk about a few more things in private. 

 

jongdae can’t seem to take the grin off his face as he begins to head back to his room but baekhyun catches his arm, “wanna go do something?” he questions with pleading eyes and jongdae knows he can’t say no. 

 

“sure,” he replies warmly, “do i need to change?” 

 

baekhyun gives him a once over and jongdae hopes his ears aren’t burning. he can never get over being under baekhyun’s scrutinization. “you look kind of like those surfer dudes in american television shows. it’s also very cold outside…” baekhyun flicks jongdae’s forehead, “somebody is still sleepy.”

 

jongdae slaps baekhyun’s arm and rubs the little spot on his forehead, “hey, not my fault. i had a late night. i was writing something,” he protests with a bit of a whine. 

 

“technically it is your fault, you could’ve called me in for cuddles. i know it helps you sleep, don’t lie,” baekhyun says wiggling his eyebrows and making grabby hands towards jongdae. 

 

he pushes baekhyun’s hands away gently, despite it being the last thing he wants. but if baekhyun begins cuddling him right now, they’ll never leave the bed. jongdae only ever wants to spend the whole day in bed with baekhyun. but he has to go be productive. if he spends a day with baekhyun in bed it might lead him to do silly things. like kiss him. 

 

“i think you’re being ridiculous. i can sleep just fine without you,” jongdae insists and begins to head down the hallway. baekhyun apparently never taking the hint, follows behind him. 

 

he strips his basketball shorts for an actual pair of jeans and pulls on a sweater and hoodie on top of his shirt. the entire time he avoids looking at baekhyun because despite them changing in front of each other on multiple occasions, he knows his face is cherry tomato red and if baekhyun sees it’ll be the end of him. 

 

“yeah but you sleep better when i’m there. admit it jongdae-yaaaaah,” baekhyun drags out the sound while flopping down on jongdae’s bed. 

 

jongdae lets out a huff and turns away to put on his shoes. “i think you give yourself too much credit,” he supplies. 

 

things are silent for a second and jongdae thinks maybe he’s been a bit too harsh. he turns to see baekhyun grinning. there’s an odd look in his eyes, it’s hidden, very well, but jongdae knows baekhyun.  _ he knows him.  _ but he doesn’t want to look into things. 

 

“jongdae,” baekhyun says, the smile is still there. lazy and a bit puppy like, but the tone says different. jongdae’s blood feels cold. he glances away. maybe baekhyun knows. he wonders what it was in his face that gave it away. “jongdae,” baekhyun repeats when he hasn’t received a response. 

 

he looks up from tying his shoes to meet baekhyun’s eyes again. “i lied. let’s cuddle. stay in bed with me today,” he says but the look on his face is gone and jongdae doesn’t know if he disappointed or relieved. baekhyun’s hands reach out and he makes grabby hands for the second time today. two too many times. jongdae's resolve is breaking. “please, it seems you need a reminder of how good at cuddling i am,” baekhyun adds on as if it’s an afterthought. 

 

jongdae shakes his head, as difficult as it is. “baekhyunnie, we just woke up an hour ago. let’s go do something and if it’s fun enough, i’ll reward  _ you  _ with  _ my  _ cuddles,” he counters. his brain and heart are screaming at him. he’s not even sure why he’s denying this. it is truly what he wanted anyways. 

 

he’s afraid. that’s what it is. afraid of how normal but how wonderful it’ll feel to be with baekhyun. he shakes his head and baekhyun stands with a pout, “you’re the one who is being odd today jongdae. you never deny my cuddles,” he states and begins poking jongdae all over, “are you sure you’re my jongdae?”

 

_ my jongdae.  _ his heart skips about ten beats at the words. he steps back away from baekhyun, “of course i am. why are you being so weird?” his voice sputters and he hates how nervous he sounds. 

 

baekhyun follows him back the few steps and raises his eyebrow, “so say it.”

 

“say what?” jongdae knows what he’s supposed to say. is that his heart? that too loud sound drowning out everything else in the room? he’s pretty sure it’s going to fall out of his rib cage or something equally as wild soon. 

 

“say you’re my jongdae and we’ll go,” baekhyun answers with a slightly amused expression. like he knows too. jongdae wonders where the flirtiness came from. if that’s what this is. flirting. but then he thinks about how this is the side baekhyun shows to everyone. this is just baekhyun. not his baekhyun. so he wills his heart to stop trying to kill him and he clears his head of any of its silly thoughts and grabs baekhyun’s finger that was poking his chest. 

 

“fine, i’m your jongdae. can we go now?” he deadpans. 

 

some weird look crosses baekhyun’s face for a brief moment and he pulls his hand free from jongdae’s. his demeanor has changed and jongdae can see the way his shoulders have dropped in the slightest. he’s screwed up again. but what did baekhyun want from him? he has everyone else in the group. there’s no reason for baekhyun to be upset. 

 

“alright let’s go. i hope you’re ready to get your ass kicked at every game the arcade has to offer,” baekhyun says, his features have returned to normal and he even looks excited. 

 

“we’re going to the arcade?” jongdae questions, following baekhyun out of their dorm. “isn’t that for kids?”

 

“you’re only 23 once,” is baekhyun’s answer from ahead as he pulls on jongdae’s hand. 

 

“we’re 26,” jongdae counters and baekhyun shrugs with a giant grin before they hop in the back of the van. 

 

he’s confused. confused about what baekhyun wants. what baekhyun knows. how baekhyun can change his emotions so quickly. jongdae feels like he’ll never not be confused about baekhyun. and it should be easy. it should be not confusing. they’re best friends. they’ve known each other since trainee days. but jongdae figures things got confusing when he fell for said best friend. things would be less confusing if he could just learn how to fall out of love. it’s not easy on his heart. 

 

-

 

maybe it’s always been there. maybe he’s always loved baekhyun. jongdae doesn’t think it was a huge revelation or anything that sometimes happens in tv shows. no. he just always has - and probably always will - be in love with baekhyun. with the way baekhyun’s eyes light up as he smiles that boxy smile. with the way he laughs at things he probably shouldn’t laugh at. With the way he pushes himself to always be better despite being already perfect in so many’s eyes. 

 

in fact it would be easier to list the things he doesn’t love about baekhyun. the list would be infinitely shorter. he doesn’t love the way baekhyun cant see how much people care about him. he doesn’t love the way baekhyun can never put himself before others even if it hurts him. he doesn’t love the way baekhyun can’t see that he loves him. 

 

-

 

“let’s watch a movie,” baekhyun says one day while they’re walking to the cars to take them back to their dorms from the company building. 

 

jongdae looks at him strangely. they just watched a movie last night with everyone. a superhero movie called shazam. “you’re not going to play your computer game or anything tonight?” jongdae counters as they hop in the vehicle along with jongin, sehun and chanyeol. 

 

baekhyun shakes his head and squishes jongdae against the side of the car in the back so chanyeol can place himself next to baekhyun. of course the two youngest get the single seats. as if on cue the pair turn their heads around and stick their tongues out. chanyeol swats at their heads and the three of them break out in a slapping fit. 

 

“let’s just you and me watch one. in your room since you have the bigger bed,” baekhyun answers. jongdae wants to say that all their beds are the same size but instead he shrugs and nods. “alright,” he answers a bit sleepily and leans against his friend’s shoulder to drift off on the ride back to the dorms. 

 

when they return to the dorms the others suggest going out to eat and baekhyun, jongdae and junmyeon decline. baekhyun and jongdae on account of the movie and their leader saying he had other business but he wasn’t going to be home. it leaves the dorms empty. jongdae doesn’t think about that in the slightest. 

 

they shower first because they smell sweaty and feel sore. baekhyun asks for jongdae’s help applying a pain patch to a spot on his back he can’t reach and jongdae makes a joke about his age that has baekhyun slapping his arms away with a pout. “you’re only a few months younger than me!” he protests and pushes jongdae out of the bathroom. 

 

“yes, but your aging body seems to think differently old man,” jongdae replies and tugs on baekhyun’s arm to drag the shirtless man to his room. baekhyun slips on one of the many giant grey hoodies in jongdae’s drawers  

 

when they tumble into the bed together baekhyun pinches jongdae’s side, “says the man who tried to stand up after practice today and his knees locked.”

 

jongdae just smirks and pinches baekhyun back, “we can be old men together then. How about that?” and baekhyun is oddly silent in response to that with one of those odd, passing looks on his face. but it soon passes and baekhyun is just grumbling before reaching over the side of the bed to grab jongdae’s laptop. he opens it and pulls up netflix all silently and there’s a weird feeling in the air that jongdae can’t place as he scoots closer to baekhyun. 

 

“dae, do you think we’ll still be together when we are old men?” comes baekhyun’s sudden question. jongdae is a little taken back by the question because it’s not like they all haven’t discussed what happens after enlistment. after exo. he wants to give some silly answer like they normally do and brush off the subject because it’s impossible to know what happens after but the shaking and uncertainty in baekhyun’s voice stops him. 

 

he has to think about the right way to word this. the right way to confess but not really. he could spill everything right now. he could do this. it’s a good moment to tell baekhyun just how deeply in love he is and how,  _ of course we’ll be together. i’d follow you anywhere.  _ but something lodges in the back of his throat when he glances at his friend. he can’t think of the proper words to say. he can’t think of something to say that won’t completely damn him. because all he wants to do right now is lean over and kiss baekhyun. kiss away every little tiny bit of uncertainty or doubt. kiss him and kiss him and kiss him until neither of them can breathe. until neither of them knows who is who and what is what. 

 

“it’s just a simple question dae. i can hear your brain destroying itself from here. what’s wrong?” baekhyun prods gently and the look on his face is so caring and so full of love that jongdae is almost convinced. he almost thinks maybe baekhyun knows or maybe baekhyun loves him. but it’s just a look. jongdae can’t go scrutinizing every look from everyone around him or he’ll go crazy thinking the entire world is in love with him. 

 

he feels another poke to his side, “forget the question. let’s just watch the movie,” baekhyun murmurs and turns away from jongdae to scroll through the various movies on the laptop. 

 

“i think we will,” jongdae blurts about five minutes into whatever it was that baekhyun selected. jongdae hadn’t been paying attention really. he’d been staring at the way the lighter scenes of the movie brightened up the curves of baekhyun’s face. he’d been staring like a lovesick puppy, so nothing out of the ordinary. at least that’s what chanyeol would’ve told him. he tells jongdae that a lot. that he needs to be careful sometimes because his looks become obvious. he would argue with chanyeol that he is most definitely not a lovesick puppy. not at all. and yet. 

 

“i think  _ we  _ will,” he repeats, hoping the emphasis on the word will be enough. “i know i- this is really hard,” jongdae breaks off shaking his head and glancing away from baekhyun because even though it’s dark in his room the color of his face is surely telling. 

 

baekhyun gives him a sly smile, like he’d been expecting that. he pokes jongdae’s nose and gives a quiet little laugh, “i think we will too.” 

 

-

 

things have been busy for jongdae. with the release of his album and all the schedules he has to attend, he feels as if he’s not gotten a second to himself. even when he’s alone he’s not truly alone because a manager is always lingering. in truth, he just wants to sleep. preferably with baekhyun. preferably sleeping cuddled with baekhyun. for hours and hours. 

 

he’s seen baekhyun. of course he has. but it’s not been  _ enough.  _ jongdae is always gone from the dorms now. minseok has been with him a lot. he was there for the showcase, being his usual self and jongdae once again wonders why his heart couldn’t have chosen minseok. he loves him. but not in the same way. maybe in some ways, but not the way he loves baekhyun. and right now baekhyun seems to be everywhere jongdae is not. 

 

so he sings and he performs and he smiles for fans and he holds their hands because he has a love for his fans too. some days he sees them and he wonders if they’re truly there for him. if that many people love him. he thought maybe the surprise of seeing the love in fans eyes would fade, but it’s nearing seven years since their debut and he’s still awestruck every time the fans greet him with such warmth. 

 

it’s late. too late when he steps through the door of his dorm, bidding his manager a goodnight and slinking off to the bathroom to shower and fall into his bed to sleep forever. 

 

except when he manages to finally shower and change into something soft and plops down on his bed he lands on something hard that makes something between a groan and a wheeze. jongdae pulls back the covers to reveal a sleepy faced baekhyun with wild bed hair and jongdae’s heart goes absolutely deafening. it’s times like this when he thinks he could wake up to this every morning, and fall asleep to this every night and get to hold this man every night. times like this when he cant feel his fingers or toes because they’re so shot from nerves and the lack of blood flow. his heart seems to only remember how to beat too loudly in his chest rather than function the right way when it sees byun baekhyun. 

 

“i played your song,” baekhyun says as he scoots over to accommodate jongdae. like this is normal. like he falls asleep in jongdae’s bed all the time. he may shower with the members and break into the bathroom to do so. but he rarely sleeps with the other members like this. and almost never jongdae. not unless he asks. which… happens more often than he’d like to admit. he still will not admit that baekhyun helps him sleep. never.  

 

“okay,” jongdae replies. he’s not sure what to say. when he’s close to baekhyun like this and he doesn’t have to make a show out of it for the cameras, he never knows what to say. baekhyun is his best friend. but right now he feels a million miles away. 

 

baekhyun laughs and it’s this sleepy, snarky laugh.  _ how can a laugh be sarcastic?  _ he rolls over and faces jongdae and there’s that look on his face but there’s something underneath it all. nervousness? fear? “i played it for instagram live. for the fans to hear. i sang with you. they said we should sing it together. did you know that?”

 

jongdae didn’t know that because he doesn’t use any sort of social media. he has youtube, but he doesn’t really know what to do on it. “okay,” he finds himself hopelessly repeating. he doesn’t know what baekhyun wants.

 

they’re both staring at each other. lying there in jongdae’s too small bed. it’s so quiet. so quiet to the point where jongdae feels himself sweating from nervousness that there’s a possibility that baekhyun can hear his heart beating and if he does he’s completely screwed.

 

“jongdae.”

 

“baekhyun.”

 

“why do you do that?”

 

“do what?” jongdae questions, his voice shaking just slightly. he wants to close his eyes and turn away from baekhyun but at the same time he wants to pull him closer and hold him and never let go. 

 

“act like you don’t know?” baekhyun’s voice sounds nearly pleading and jongdae is confused. he doesn’t know about baekhyun playing his song because he doesn’t use social media. it’s not that difficult to understand. he raises an eyebrow that is slightly squashed against the pillow. “baekhyun, i don’t have an instagram, i don’t even know what that is,” he tries and reaches a hand out to find baekhyun’s arm and squeeze it in what he hopes will seem like a reassuring gesture but baekhyun tugs his arm away under the covers. he turns over and suddenly jongdae is faced with a back and not the soft curls framing delicate eyes and he doesn’t know what he did. 

 

“i’m sure you’re tired. let’s just sleep.” baekhyun’s voice is sleepy but cold and jongdae frowns. in what may be a childish move, he too, turns his back away and decides not to face baekhyun either. 

 

jongdae doesn’t sleep. he can’t. baekhyun is supposed to help him sleep but not like this. 

 

“baekhyun,” jongdae tries. his voice sounds too scared. 

 

a moment passes and jongdae thinks maybe baekhyun won’t answer. maybe he’s really messed up this time. 

 

“what?” 

 

“thank you for playing my song,” jongdae whispers and turns back over, earlier anger subsiding like it hadn’t even been there in the first place. he can’t ever stay mad at baekhyun. “and for singing along. i think we should sing it together some time. i'd like that.”

 

baekhyun turns back around to face him too, pulling the covers to just below his chin. “okay,” he says, using jongdae’s earlier words against him. jongdae can see the crinkles in the sides of baekhyun’s eyes to know he’s laughing. 

 

without thinking, jongdae’s hand comes up to rest gently on the side of baekhyun’s face and his thumb smooths the wrinkles at the corners of his eyes. he continues swiping his thumb across baekhyun’s cheekbone when the lines are gone and he just stares. jongdae isn’t sure where any of this of coming from but the sudden urge to touch baekhyun had come over him and maybe it’s for the better. the way baekhyun leans just slightly into his touch makes his heart soar and he feels content to lie like this for hours. to watch the way the ends of baekhyun’s mouth curl just slightly and the way his eyelashes spread over his cheeks when he closes his eyes with a slight flutter. 

 

“i think you’re beautiful,” he says. his thumb stops and jongdae is completely frozen because. no. he hadn’t meant to say that out loud. 

 

baekhyun’s eyes open, though not like he’s surprised. that in itself surprises jongdae. “you don’t even realize jongdae,” baekhyun says.  _ what is what supposed to mean? _ “sometimes i think that you look at me different from everyone else. sometimes i think maybe you get this feeling in your chest when you’re around me that makes you go all stupid and grin with your stupid mouth and stupid eyes. sometimes i think that the way you treat me is special. but i could never be sure. i thought i was so obvious jongdae. i was so so scared that you knew and your were just letting me down easy.” baekhyun’s voice is cracking in a way that it hasn’t since they debuted. 

 

jongdae’s hand travels down so his thumb can swipe at baekhyun’s lower lip, just softly, like he’s always wanted to do. “byun baekhyun i’ve been in love with you since before i met you i think.”

 

“kim jongdae i think that’s a very silly way to confess to me, but i’ll allow it.”

 

jongdae blinks incredulously, “you’ll  _ allow  _ it?” 

 

baekhyun smirks and pinches jongdae’s side, “yes. i’ll allow it...as long as you kiss me like i’ve been waiting for since i heard you open your stupid door.”

 

“is that your new favorite word?” jongdae questions and scoots closer so his face is within centimeters of baekhyun’s on their now shared pillow. “stupid?”

 

he shrugs and jongdae feels it push his arm slightly, “it fits us both pretty well right now wouldn’t you say?”

 

jongdae shakes his head and laughs quietly, his heart feels infinitely lighter. “i’m sorry i didn’t tell you sooner. i didn’t know.” 

 

“you don’t need to apologize for confessing jongdae. you don’t need to apologize for anything,” baekhyun muses and brings up the pinching hand to rub jongdae’s back, scratching gently. 

 

“do you like guys or do you like me?” 

 

“i like a lot of things,” baekhyun shrugs again, “but i  _ love  _ you.” 

 

“okay,” jongdae says because he guesses that’s answer enough. he thinks maybe that’s how he is too. he just knows he likes baekhyun. a lot. 

 

“ _ is that your new favorite word? _ ,” baekhyun mocks with a soft boxy smile and jongdae’s thumb and forefinger pinch the cheek his palm is resting against. 

 

“you’re just a cheeky little bastard huh? and to think i’m in love with you,” jongdae chides and laughs when baekhyun shakes his head to knock jongdae’s hand off. 

 

they’re silent for a few moments, just content to stare at each other without having to look away for once. there’s no stolen glances or red cheeks. just open, unabashed staring and jongdae doesn’t think he can ever get tired of this. he loves that he gets to see baekhyun this close. to see the little freckle above his lip. on his cheek. next to his eyebrow. all the tiny little scars and bumps on baekhyun’s face that make him perfectly imperfect. and jongdae is in love with every inch. he feels so full of it that he could shake right out of his body. 

 

“you know, for two people in love, we haven’t done a lot of couple things,” baekhyun interrupts. 

 

“like what?”

 

“well you’ve been staring at my lips for the past minute or so but they remain unkissed. it’s a shame really,” he answers and jongdae rolls his eyes. 

 

“maybe if you weren’t doing all this talking we could’ve by now,” jongdae counters but baekhyun is ignoring the comment in favor of leaning in to close the gap of those remaining few centimeters and pressing his warm lips to jongdae’s. 

 

although he’s never kissed baekhyun before, at least not like this, jongdae feels like it’s something they’ve been doing for years now with the way their lips slide together so effortlessly. it’s almost like they were made to kiss each other. 

 

his head feels so dizzy and fuzzy and warm and full of so many emotions, jongdae can only blink dazedly when baekhyun pulls away to catch his breath. 

 

“couples definitely kiss a lot more than that,” is all baekhyun says before he’s rolling to gently rest on top of jongdae, “i think we should just test that theory for a bit longer.” 

 

“okay,” jongdae says flustered. the weight of baekhyun on top of him makes him feel so many things and all he can muster is that one word. 

 

baekhyun flicks his nose before leaning down to kiss him again. and again. and again. jongdae loses count maybe after the fifth. all of his intelligent thoughts fly out the window and he’s content to just lie here and let baekhyun kiss his breath away. 

 

-

 

jongdae wakes to a half asleep baekhyun curled up next to him. it’s not like in the tv shows where the two leads share a bed and they’re suddenly tangled in each other. baekhyun doesn’t move in his sleep and jongdae is a blanket stealer. so this results in baekhyun clinging to the blanket for dear life and jongdae nearly half off the bed with baekhyun’s back to him. the warmth radiates from where their skin is nearly touching and jongdae pushes himself away from the edge of his bed and wraps himself around baekhyun. 

 

“at least i know you’ll never deny my cuddles anymore,” baekhyun’s sleep filled voice whispers to him. 

 

“yeah, yeah, go back to sleep,” jongdae grumbles but kisses baekhyun’s head anyways. 

 

“i will if you say you love me again. i like hearing that,” baekhyun insists and pushes his head back into jongdae’s chest a bit more. 

 

“so needy, so clingy in the morning. maybe i’ll hold off and see what you do,” jongdae teases and baekhyun headbuts him gently. 

 

“jongdae. say it,” baekhyun seems barely able to keep the slight whine out of his voice and jongdae wonders how he could ever deny baekhyun anything. 

 

“i love you byun baekhyun,” he whispers and kisses his head again. baekhyun makes a content noise, “thank you. and for the record i guess you’re okay yourself.”

 

jongdae presses his chin into baekhyun’s head and the other man lets out a little yelp before reaching up to rub the area, “okay fine. i love you too kim jongdae. you happy?”

 

he shakes his head and grins when baekhyun turns around and presses a kiss to his chest. his collarbone. his neck. his chin. and finally his lips, “i love you kim jongdae. and i’ll love you forever and ever until we become old men who have creaky old bones and backs.”

 

jongdae just grins and kisses baekhyun back softly. just as he’s always wanted to do. just as he wants to do every morning and every night until forever. 

 

jongdae supposes it was inevitable. that his heart chose byun baekhyun. but he supposes it was also inevitable that byun baekhyun’s heart would choose him back.   
  


**Author's Note:**

> the title is from jongdae's beautiful goodbye except i changed the lyrics from 'i hope you can smile with him' to that because happy endings are good yeah? this is my first solely exo fic so please treat it nicely :') i tried to stick well with characterization but i may have been indulgent at times. 
> 
> follow me on twitter if you liked this maybe? @daephylleia


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